Category Archives: Stress

Navigating Relationship Trauma: Healing for Valentine’s Day and Beyond

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As Valentine’s Day approaches, the air fills with love and affection. However, for many individuals, this time of year can be a painful reminder of past relationship trauma or current relationship distress. Whether stemming from heartbreak, betrayal, or abuse, the scars of such experiences can linger, affecting one’s ability to trust, love, and connect with others. In this blog post, we delve into the complexities of relationship trauma, explore its impact, and discuss strategies for healing, just in time to show yourself some love for Valentine’s Day.

Understanding Relationship Trauma: Relationship trauma encompasses a broad range of experiences that leave lasting emotional wounds. It can result from various forms of mistreatment, including infidelity, abandonment, emotional neglect, or even physical or verbal abuse. Such traumas can profoundly impact an individual’s sense of self-worth, security, and ability to form healthy relationships in the future.

Impact of Relationship Trauma: The effects of relationship trauma can be far-reaching, manifesting in a myriad of ways. Some individuals may struggle with trust issues, constantly fearing betrayal or abandonment by their partners. Others may experience difficulty in expressing their emotions or forming intimate connections, keeping others at arm’s length to avoid further hurt. Additionally, unresolved trauma can contribute to anxiety, depression, and other mental health challenges, further complicating one’s ability to engage in fulfilling relationships.

Healing from Relationship Trauma: While the road to healing from relationship trauma may be long and challenging, it is possible with patience, self-compassion, and support. Here are some strategies to consider:

  1. Therapy: Seeking guidance from a qualified therapist can provide a safe space to process past experiences, explore underlying emotions, and learn healthy coping mechanisms.
  2. Self-care: Prioritize self-care activities that nurture your physical, emotional, and mental well-being. This may include exercise, meditation, journaling, or engaging in hobbies that bring joy and fulfillment.
  3. Establish boundaries: Learn to identify and assert healthy boundaries in your relationships, setting clear expectations for how you deserve to be treated and what behavior is unacceptable.
  4. Practice forgiveness: While forgiveness does not mean excusing or forgetting past wrongs, it can free you from the burden of carrying resentment and anger. Forgiving others, and yourself is a crucial step towards releasing the grip of relationship trauma.
  5. Cultivate self-love: Focus on building a positive relationship with yourself, embracing your strengths, flaws, and worthiness of love and happiness.

Valentine’s Day and Healing: As Valentine’s Day approaches, those healing from relationship trauma may feel a mix of emotions – longing for love, dread of past pain, or perhaps indifference towards the holiday altogether. Regardless of where you fall on this spectrum, remember that Valentine’s Day is just a day. And like any other day, it’s what you make it and can serve as an opportunity for self-reflection, growth, and self-love.

Instead of focusing solely on romantic gestures or external validation, use this time to honor your journey toward healing and self-discovery. Treat yourself with kindness and compassion, celebrate your progress, and surround yourself with supportive loved ones who uplift and affirm your worth.

Although relationship trauma can cast a long shadow over one’s life, affecting relationships and overall well-being, please know that with time, effort, and support, healing is possible. As Valentine’s Day approaches, take this opportunity to prioritize your healing journey, cultivate self-love, and embrace the possibility of healthier, more fulfilling relationships in the future. Remember, you are deserving of love, respect, and happiness, on Valentine’s Day and every day.

Top 5 Tips for Balancing Goal-Setting and Your Mental Health

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It’s a new year! And, if you’re like many people, you might be reflecting on 2022 and setting new resolutions and goals for 2023. Interestingly, the practice of making resolutions dates back to ancient times, when people would make vows to the gods at the start of the new year to bring good fortune in the year ahead. Now, it’s become common practice to make promises to ourselves or set goals at the beginning of a new year to improve some aspect of our lives.

While this can be a great way to make positive changes in your life, it’s important to approach goal-setting in a way that is healthy and sustainable. This is especially true when it comes to our mental health, which can be deeply affected by the way we set and pursue our goals.

One of the keys to successful goal-setting is to make sure your goals are specific, measurable, achievable, relevant, and time-bound. This helps to ensure that your goals are clear and achievable, rather than vague or unrealistic. It can also be helpful to break larger goals down into smaller, more manageable steps. Focusing on one day at a time, one task, and one moment instead of looking at the whole year also helps to make achieving your goals more enjoyable and less overwhelming.

However, it’s important not to get so caught up in the pursuit of achieving the goals that you lose sight of the lessons in the process. It’s okay to make mistakes or have setbacks along the way. What we may preserve as a mistake or setback can be a valuable opportunity to learn and grow. It’s important to be kind to yourself and recognize that progress takes time. Remember to celebrate your successes, no matter how small they may seem, and take breaks when needed.

It’s also important to prioritize your mental health when setting goals. If you’re feeling overwhelmed or anxious, it may be helpful to take a step back and reassess your goals. It’s okay to adjust your goals, practice relaxation, and perhaps speak with a therapist. It’s important to remember that self-care is a crucial part of achieving your goals and maintaining good mental health.

There are many different ways to prioritize your mental health when setting goals. Some strategies include:

  • Setting goals that align with your values and priorities
  • Being realistic about what you can achieve and how much time it will take
  • Setting aside time for relaxation and self-care
  • Seeking support from friends, family, or a therapist
  • Being flexible and willing to adjust your goals as needed

It’s no doubt that goal-setting can be a powerful tool for making positive changes in your life. Prioritizing your mental health is key to achieving your goals and living a fulfilling life. Remember to be kind to yourself, set specific and achievable goals, and prioritize self-care and relaxation. And if you need additional support from a mental health professional I’m here to help. Just give my office a call at 818-806-9170. With these strategies, you are well on your way to setting and achieving your goals while also taking care of your mental well-being. May you have a happy and healthy New Year!

5 Tips For Managing Stress During The Holidays

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It’s the holiday season and traditionally this time of year is thought to be one of joy and celebration. However, for many people, it can also be a source of stress. Between shopping for gifts, attending parties, and dealing with family dynamics, it’s easy to feel overwhelmed. However, there are things you can do to manage your stress during the holidays and make this time of year more enjoyable.

One of the most important things you can do to manage stress during the holidays is to set realistic expectations for yourself. This means not trying to do too much in too little time and being okay with saying no to invitations or tasks that are not a priority. It’s also important to be mindful of your budget and not overspend. Debt and financial concerns are major contributors to holiday stress.

Another key to managing stress during the holidays is to make time for self-care. This can include activities like exercising, meditating, or simply taking a few minutes to relax and unwind. It’s also important to get enough sleep, eat healthily, and make sure you have enough downtime to recharge.

One way to reduce stress during the holidays is to delegate tasks and responsibilities. This can be as simple as asking a family member to help with cooking or assigning tasks to different people when hosting a holiday party. It’s okay to ask for help and share the workload, especially during a busy time of year.

It’s also important to practice good communication during the holidays. If you’re feeling overwhelmed or stressed out, don’t be afraid to talk about it with a friend or family member. They may be able to offer support or suggestions for ways to manage your stress.

If you’re feeling particularly overwhelmed, it may be helpful to seek the guidance of a mental health professional. As a psychotherapist, I help my clients develop healthy coping strategies and provide support during stressful times.

Another way to manage stress during the holidays is to make time for activities that bring you joy and relaxation. This could be spending time with loved ones, participating in your favorite hobbies, listening to music, or simply taking a walk in nature. It’s important to prioritize activities that help you feel grounded and calm.

Finally, it’s important to remember that it’s okay to take a break from the holiday hustle and bustle. It’s okay to say no to a party or event if you need to, and it’s okay to spend some time alone if that’s what you need. Say yes to you! Taking care of yourself is crucial to managing stress during the holidays.

So remember, managing stress during the holidays is all about setting realistic expectations.

  • Practice Self-care
  • Delegate Tasks
  • Communicate Effectively
  • Seek Support if Needed
  • Make Time for Activities that Bring Joy and Relaxation

If you’re feeling overwhelmed this holiday season, try these tips to help you experience less stress and more comfort and joy at this time of year.

The Best Way to Manage Election Anxiety? Control Your Controllables

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Studies are showing that this year’s election is triggering a higher level of anxiety in more people than ever before. Many people are worried that our Democracy is at stake and they fear that our health, safety, and future are at risk. The barrage of negative campaign ads and conspiracy theories, in addition to increased isolation due to COVID-19 and continued racial violence and injustice, have all heighten the fears of many Americans. Besides worry and excessive fear, many people are also experiencing trouble sleeping, increased or decreased appetite, sadness, irritability, muscle tension, avoidance, trouble concentrating, and feeling on edge. These are all symptoms related to anxiety, depression, and acute stress. So how do you manage these symptoms? What do you do when faced with uncertainty? What do you do when you feel out of control? The best thing to do is to identify the things within your control and practice them to the best of your ability. Here are just a few:

• Take Deep Mindful Breaths – Focusing on the breath and deeply inhaling and exhaling relaxes the body and mind. Relaxation plays an important role in helping to regulate our emotional responses. Start by taking a few slow deep breaths. Inhale deeply and hold for 2 counts then exhale fully. Inhale and allow your belly to extend like a balloon filling with air then exhale as if you are letting all the air out of the balloon. You can even say to yourself the healthy things you are inhaling (i.e. peace, joy, love…) and exhale things you are releasing (i.e. worry, fear, anger…). Incorporating gratitude with each breath is also a helpful tool.
• Exercise Your Right to Vote – Voting matters and the ability to vote is within your control. Many people fought, died, and bled for this right and it is one of the ways to let your voice be heard. Voting is a powerful tool for expressing your desires and asserting your feelings. Advocating for yourself and others can lead to a sense of empowerment that contributes to overall health and wellbeing.
• Take a Break from the News – There is nothing wrong with staying informed. However, news reports often capitalize on what will win the most attention to increase ratings. These reports are sometimes speculative and fixate on threats that can arouse our nervous system. In order to reduce anxiety, it’s important to separate facts from fiction and take control of what information you take in. It’s also important not to feast on a steady diet of news but to take breaks and maybe watch a comedy or just turn the TV and other devices off altogether.
• Manage Your Expectations – Our expectations play a big role in our emotional responses. It’s important to have realistic expectations and those that are not tied to a specific and uncontrollable outcome. For example, if you are expecting a clear winner on Election Day and that doesn’t happen, the tension of uncertainty is prolonged. However, if you don’t expect it you can engage in other calming activities and stay grounded in the present, taking each day as it comes.
• Practice Good Self-Care – Some people falsely think of self-care as a luxury when in actuality it is ESSENTIAL. If you do not take care of yourself, you burnout, your immune system is compromised and you are unable to function in a healthy way. There are simple ways to practice good self-care like taking breaks, getting adequate sleep, eating healthy foods, exercising, going for walks, talking with friends, or listening to nature sounds or your favorite music. It’s also important to speak kindly to yourself and show yourself compassion. Speak comforting words to yourself as you might to someone you care about. How you nourish yourself is self-care and it helps to have a plan that you implement regularly.

If you are having difficulty practicing healthy coping strategies and your symptoms persist and cause distress, please contact a health care professional to help get you on the path to peace and wellbeing.

How to Manage Your Fear

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Everyday there seems to be new reports of confirmed cases of COVID-19. As of this writing there were 247 reported cases in California, according to the CA Department of public health. Of these cases, the LA Times is now reporting 54 of them are in LA County and that number seems to be rising. Although these numbers are still lower in comparison to other parts of the world, it has raised serious concerns in our community. The World Health Organization declared the COVID-19 outbreak a global pandemic.

In response to this outbreak, schools are transitioning to online instruction, events are being cancelled, and people are self-quarantining and working from home in an effort to stop the spread of this virus. The term “social distancing” is trending and panic shopping as well as stockpiling are triggering shortages of common items.

Like many of you, I’ve felt a bit concerned too. Just a few days ago I went to the store looking for hand sanitizer and there was none to be found. The cashier told me that one person came in earlier and bought the whole shelf. I also went to several stores looking for toilet paper only to be greeted by empty shelves with no certainty of when they would be restocked. News reports are showing people fighting over these basic supplies and stocking up on water. Anxiety is often contagious. Fearful messages can spread panic like an uncovered cough or sneeze. When faced with all this social contagion it can be challenging to manage anxiety when so much seems out of our control and others are panicking on a daily basis. However, taking action in the following ways can help you maximize what is within your control and help calm some of your fears.

#1 Get the facts – Resist getting caught up in rumors. There is a lot of misinformation circulating. It’s important to do your homework and make sure you are getting factual information through trusted sources and keeping this information in a healthy perspective. Holding on to what you know to be true, while also holding space for the unknown instead of speculating in fear, is key to maintaining a sense of balance and some peace. You may also want to talk to a trusted health professional to process your concerns. The Center for Disease Control offers up to date information on their website https://www.cdc.gov/ and so does the World Health Organization at https://www.who.int/

#2 Plan and prepare – Follow CDC recommendations by washing your hands frequently with soap and warm water for at least 20 seconds. Keep your hands and fingers away from your eyes, nose and mouth as much as possible. Wipe door knobs, telephones and frequently used items and surfaces with sanitizing wipes. Avoid large crowds when possible and don’t go out if it’s not necessary. Drink water to stay hydrated and get adequate rest. If you are experiencing discomfort or difficulty with breathing, or are experiencing flu like symptoms seek medical attention. And if stocking up on food and water for 2-4 weeks eases your mind, then go ahead and do it! Make a plan for school closures and childcare. Having a plan and feeling prepared can help alleviate stress.

#3 Practice relaxation – When you feel anxious and stressed, your brain floods your nervous system with hormones and chemicals all designed to help you respond to a threat. This leads to a flight or fight emotional response that can be very useful in keeping you safe from actual danger. However, when that emotional response is fueled by social contagion, a fear of uncertainty and horror stories that we tell ourselves, it can go into overdrive and override our cognitive brain functioning. That’s were relaxation comes in. Practicing relaxation helps regulate our emotional responses by calming the emotional brain and nervous system to help reduce emotional reactivity and activate our cognitive brain. There are several ways to practice relaxation. Here are a few:

           • Deep breathing – Start by taking a few slow deep breaths. Inhale deeply and hold for 2 counts then exhale fully. Inhale and allow your belly to extend like a balloon filling with air then exhale as if you are letting all the air out of the balloon. You can even say to yourself the healthy things you are inhaling (i.e. peace, joy, love…) and exhale things you are releasing (i.e. worry, fear, anger…).
          • Meditation – People have varying ideas about meditation, however, there are many different ways to meditate that are not at all tied to any particular religious practice. Simply spending some quiet time in mindful reflection and awareness of our breath, our bodies and emotional state has been scientifically proven to reduce stress, lower blood pressure and control your emotions. Try it for at least 10 minutes a day. There are several meditation apps available to help guide this practice (i.e. Calm, Headspace etc.).
          • Grounding – This strategy helps to detach from emotional pain and keep you centered and feeling safe. In some ways it can be similar to meditation. There are 3 types of grounding. 1) Physical 2) Mental and 3) Emotional. You can practice physical grounding by jumping up and down, exercising or running cool or warm water on your hands. You can practice mental grounding by counting backwards from 100 to 2 by even numbers (i.e. 100, 98, 96…), solving puzzles or spending a few minutes identifying colors you see around you or sounds you hear. Emotional grounding can be practiced by looking at pictures that bring you joy, thinking of things that make you smile, playing with a pet or child.
          • Self-Care – Some people falsely think of self-care as a luxury when in actuality it is ESSENTIAL. If you do not take care of yourself, you burnout, your immune system is compromised and you are unable to function in a healthy way. There are simple ways to practice good self-care like taking breaks, getting adequate sleep, eating healthy foods, exercising, going for a walks or listening to nature sounds or your favorite music. It’s also important to speak kindly to yourself and show yourself compassion. Speak comforting words to yourself like you might to someone you care about. How you nourish yourself is self-care and it helps to have a plan that you implement regularly.
          • Gratitude – It’s easy to take simple things for granted sometimes. Keeping a gratitude journal can help you keep track of things that are good and for which you are grateful. Even when things seem bad, there is always something to be grateful for and something good. Even though our thoughts often overlap, it is very difficult to hold 2 opposing thoughts with the same focus at the same time. Therefore, the more you focus on gratitude the less likely you are to hold panic. Practicing gratitude daily helps you relax and slows the brains reactivity down by redirecting it towards more beneficial and peaceful thoughts.

The truth is that panicked and impulsive reactions can often be more problematic than the threat itself. Practicing these tools that are all within our control can help us navigate these turbulent times with a greater sense of calm to aid in making wise decisions. No one knows with all certainty what will happen in the future. But what we do know for sure is the sky is still blue, the sun is in the sky, and the earth is on its axis. We know there are experts and healthcare providers working hard on solutions. We have the ability to make choices and choose to follow CDC recommendations. We can choose to reframe our thoughts and use this as an opportunity to spend more time with our kids who may be home from school, or check up on the elderly.

We have the power to seek and speak truth, take positive actions and choose love and hope over fear. May you maximize all that is still good as we persevere through this human journey together.

Wishing you Wellness and Peace Always,
Lisa Locke, LMFT

Stress, Secondary Trauma, affect of violence in the news

“If it bleeds it leads” –but may also lead to Secondary Traumatic Stress for Individuals and Families

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Daily reports of violent acts, including police and video footage of shootings and killings, have left many people feeling angry, afraid and worried. Many African Americans and those in other minority communities have vicariously identified with the victims in several of these tragedies. This personal identification has led to feelings of hopelessness, shock and fear. A great number of people from various ethnic and racial backgrounds have cried out for justice, positive change and peace. And others have spoken out on social media under #BlackLivesMatter. Some have responded with #AllLivesMatter or #BlueLivesMatter. In the midst of all the controversy, what is evident is the deeply personal and systemic emotional pain. Even though many of us may not be directly involved in these horrific events and are just hearing about them and/or watching and re-watching them on TV or other media, we are emotionally affected. And some people experience more severe emotions than others. These common distressful reactions to hearing about traumatic events and the effects of watching horrific acts can often lead to Secondary Traumatic Stress (STS).

What is Secondary Traumatic Stress? Secondary traumatic stress is the emotional distress that results when an individual hears about the firsthand trauma experiences of another. Its symptoms mimic those of post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). Accordingly, individuals affected by secondary stress may find themselves re-experiencing personal trauma or notice an increase in arousal and avoidance reactions related to the indirect trauma exposure. They may also experience changes in memory and perception; alterations in their sense of self-efficacy, a depletion of personal resources, and disruption in their perceptions of safety, trust, and independence. [1]
What are some of the symptoms? This is a partial list:
  • Anger
  • Hopelessness
  • Insomnia
  • Avoidance
  • Sadness
  • Irritability
  • Poor Concentration
  • Aggression
Who Suffers? Everyone is at risk. Anyone who reads, watches the news or overhears conversations is vulnerable to STS. Couples and families and whole communities can be adversely affected. However, children, adolescents, parents and those in helping professions may be at greater risk. Risk appears to be greater among women and among individuals who are highly empathetic by nature or have unresolved personal trauma.
What are some solutions?
  • Increase Awareness of STS
  • Exercise and Good Nutrition
  • Stay Connected-prioritize personal relationships
  • Make a Wellness Plan
  • Psychotherapy
  • Practice good self-care
  • Create and/or participate in an accountability buddy system
We are all in this together. Ask for help when needed. Take periodic breaks from media. Take time to meditate. Nourish your personal relationships, your body and mind. Make personal wellness a priority.
“Love yourself, accept yourself, forgive yourself, and be good to yourself, because without you the rest of us are without a source of many wonderful things.” ~Dr. Leo Buscaglia
[1] http://www.nctsn.org/resources/topics/secondary-traumatic-stress

The Best Gift to Give at Christmas

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The holidays are here and I have no idea what to get my husband for Christmas. It doesn’t help that he tends to go shopping for himself right before Christmas, his birthday and father’s day which limits my choices and is the source of mild frustration. As a matter of fact, he just walked in from the mall with the very thing I was considering getting for him. Arghhh!

If you’re at all like me and hate crowded malls and sometimes agonize to find the perfect gifts for family and friends, then maybe you can sympathize. Today as I sat scouring the internet for gift ideas, the thought occurred to me that perhaps others are really struggling with this time-honored tradition of gift giving and receiving at this time of year. Or maybe some of you are worried that you will not receive the gift you are hoping for and have trouble trusting and waiting.

Gift giving and receiving, particularly during the holidays, can bring joy but can also be stressful. For some, the mere thought of what to buy someone can trigger anxiety, guilt, or even fear. For others, not getting a desired gift can lead to disappointment, anger, blame and arguments. On the flip side, sometimes being showered with gifts can trigger feelings of unworthiness and lead to shaming behaviors. Financial issues can add an additional layer of stress and shame to what is termed to be “The most wonderful time of the year.” So why all this tension and stress around something seemingly simple that can bring so much cheer? And what can be done to alleviate it?

Looking through the lens of the Restoration Therapy model, these distressful feelings can often be traced to our childhood. Did someone reject an expression of our love or violate our trust in our formative years? For me, I remember dreading participation in gift exchanges in elementary school. My family did not have a lot of money when I was growing up and there were times when the gifts I offered at school were ridiculed by peers. There were other times I spent more than I could afford and was disappointed with what I received. These experiences caused me to second guess myself and question the safety of gift giving in relationships. As a result, I learned to cope with feelings of inadequacy by shaming myself through unnecessary apologies and being negative. I internalized the sensed rejection of my gift or the unequal reciprocation to mean something was wrong with me. As an adult, sometimes when faced with gift giving or receiving I tend to experience the same dysregulating feelings of inadequacy and enact the same negative coping behaviors. This usually results in “perceived” criticism from others (i.e. “You shouldn’t have.”) which only feeds more into my feelings of inadequacy. In restoration therapy this pattern is referred to as a pain cycle. When we experience a violation of love or trust we create meaning about our identity and/or safety. This meaning we create drives our actions and influences how we cope. The way others respond to our actions feeds back into our painful feelings. So in essence it’s never about the gifts but what they represent to us based on our past pain. It’s about the meaning we attach to them and thoughts we create about ourselves. The good news is we can also create new thoughts and feelings to break the pain cycle.

A good place to start is by gifting yourself with love and compassion, recognizing your cycle of pain and practicing what Professor Terry Hargrave calls your peace cycle. This is done by following these 4 simple steps:

  • Say what you feel…I feel unworthy
  • Say what you tend to do when you feel that way…When I feel unworthy I shame myself by being overly negative and apologetic
  • Say your truth…The truth is I am worthy of love & acceptance and I love & accept myself
  • Say what you will do differently…Therefore I will give freely with joy without apology and accept gifts with gratitude

Although I’m still not sure what I will get my husband for Christmas, I am certain that as I practice my peace cycle my emotions calm and I’m reminded that the greatest gift is love. Love keeps on giving and for this I am forever grateful.

May you experience peace as you choose to give and receive the gift of love to yourself and others this holiday season and always.

Happy Holidays!