Category Archives: Love

Is Love Really Blind? Exploring the Psychology of Authentic Connections

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We’ve all heard the phrase “Love Is Blind.” As a matter of fact, the Netflix hit TV show “Love Is Blind” has presented this juicy topic of whether love truly is blind on a global stage. After watching the final U.S. episode of season 6, I was inspired to write this post to explore what is meant by this popular expression. Is it even true? And how does authenticity and fear of showing our true selves play a role?

Now, when people throw around the phrase “love is blind,” they usually mean that love doesn’t care about looks or flaws. It’s all about that deep emotional connection, right? Well, the TV show “Love Is Blind” takes this idea to the extreme by tossing contestants into pods where they can only talk to each other, no peeking allowed. Talk about taking risks!

It does sound like a very intriguing experiment though–thus the high ratings I’m sure. But in my opinion, season 6 in particular, diverts a bit from its true intention when a few contestants seem to hint at the importance of looks and outright asks about race and physical features and even go so far as to compare themselves to a celebrity look alike. Which would suggest that perhaps love isn’t blind.

But here’s the kicker: most people go into relationships with rose-colored glasses and limited information. The infatuation can feel like love, which might start blind, but sooner or later, reality smacks us in the face. “Love Is Blind” shows us this as the couples finally meet face-to-face and have to deal with physical attraction and, well, all the other stuff that comes with it. It’s like the show is saying, “Hey, love might be blind at first, but eventually, you gotta open your eyes.”

But you know what? Opening our eyes isn’t always easy. Fear of being authentic in relationships is a real thing. We’re scared that if we show our true selves, flaws and all, we’ll get rejected. And let’s not forget about society’s pressure to look perfect all the time. Who hasn’t felt the need to keep up appearances, especially in the age of Instagram filters and photo editing?

The field of psychology has offered the following reasons for this common fear of authenticity:

  1. Social Norms: Social psychology suggests that certain norms often dictate behaviors or appearances that are considered acceptable, leading individuals to fear judgment or rejection if they deviate from these norms.
  2. Self-Concept: This theory proposes that individuals who have a negative self-concept may fear showing their true selves because they worry about being perceived as unworthy or unlovable.
  3. Insecure Attachment: Attachment theory submits that early experiences with caregivers shape individuals’ attachment styles and impact their ability to be authentic in relationships. Those with insecure attachment styles may fear vulnerability and authenticity due to past experiences of rejection or abandonment.
  4. Fear of Rejection and Judgment: Psychologists recognize that the fear of rejection and judgment plays a significant role in the fear of authenticity. Individuals may worry that if they reveal their true selves, they will be rejected or criticized by others, leading them to hide behind a facade to protect themselves from potential harm.
  5. Impostor Syndrome: Impostor syndrome, a psychological phenomenon where individuals doubt their abilities and fear being exposed as a fraud, can contribute to the fear of authenticity. People experiencing impostor syndrome may feel that they are not deserving of success or love, leading them to hide their true selves to avoid being “found out.”

Overall, psychology suggests that the fear of showing our true selves stems from a combination of social, cognitive, and emotional factors.

In “Love Is Blind,” we see contestants wrestling with these fears. They want to be loved for who they are, but they seem terrified of really being vulnerable. This shows up in the form of lies and deceit. It’s like they’re playing a game of emotional hide-and-seek, hoping their true selves won’t get found out.

But here’s the thing: authenticity is the secret sauce of real relationships. It’s about letting down your guard and showing your partner the messy, imperfect, wonderfully human side of yourself. Because let’s face it, nobody’s perfect, and pretending otherwise only leads to heartache.

So, as we navigate the crazy world of love and relationships, let’s remember that being authentic isn’t something to be feared—it’s something to be celebrated. It’s what allows us to connect with someone on a deeper level, flaws and all. And sure, love might start blind, but if we want it to last, we’ve gotta open our eyes and see each other for who we truly are.

In the end, whether love is blind or not, one thing’s for sure: being authentic is the key to finding the real deal. So let’s ditch the masks, drop the pretenses, and let love in, imperfections and all. After all, don’t we all want to be truly known, loved, and accepted for who we are? And how can we know if we are truly loved for who we are if we are pretending to be someone we are not?

Most often it starts with knowing yourself and practicing self-love and self-acceptance. When we are self-aware and compassionate with ourselves there is less fear of being vulnerable and we tend to be more compassionate towards others. So as we navigate the complexities of love and connection, let’s embrace authenticity, vulnerability, and acceptance, and allow these qualities to illuminate the true power of love.

If you are interested in more topics about love and healthy relationships please check out my book Blockbuster Love: Lessons from the Movies on How to Create Lasting Love Part 1-Romance. In this book, I talk about the beginning stages of relationships and highlight popular movies that teach valuable lessons. Also, be on the lookout for the second book in the series (Part 2-Reality) coming soon. In part two I discuss the realities of long-term relationships and what happens when your eyes are wide open. Grab some popcorn, watch some cool movies, and let’s learn more about love.

Navigating Relationship Trauma: Healing for Valentine’s Day and Beyond

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As Valentine’s Day approaches, the air fills with love and affection. However, for many individuals, this time of year can be a painful reminder of past relationship trauma or current relationship distress. Whether stemming from heartbreak, betrayal, or abuse, the scars of such experiences can linger, affecting one’s ability to trust, love, and connect with others. In this blog post, we delve into the complexities of relationship trauma, explore its impact, and discuss strategies for healing, just in time to show yourself some love for Valentine’s Day.

Understanding Relationship Trauma: Relationship trauma encompasses a broad range of experiences that leave lasting emotional wounds. It can result from various forms of mistreatment, including infidelity, abandonment, emotional neglect, or even physical or verbal abuse. Such traumas can profoundly impact an individual’s sense of self-worth, security, and ability to form healthy relationships in the future.

Impact of Relationship Trauma: The effects of relationship trauma can be far-reaching, manifesting in a myriad of ways. Some individuals may struggle with trust issues, constantly fearing betrayal or abandonment by their partners. Others may experience difficulty in expressing their emotions or forming intimate connections, keeping others at arm’s length to avoid further hurt. Additionally, unresolved trauma can contribute to anxiety, depression, and other mental health challenges, further complicating one’s ability to engage in fulfilling relationships.

Healing from Relationship Trauma: While the road to healing from relationship trauma may be long and challenging, it is possible with patience, self-compassion, and support. Here are some strategies to consider:

  1. Therapy: Seeking guidance from a qualified therapist can provide a safe space to process past experiences, explore underlying emotions, and learn healthy coping mechanisms.
  2. Self-care: Prioritize self-care activities that nurture your physical, emotional, and mental well-being. This may include exercise, meditation, journaling, or engaging in hobbies that bring joy and fulfillment.
  3. Establish boundaries: Learn to identify and assert healthy boundaries in your relationships, setting clear expectations for how you deserve to be treated and what behavior is unacceptable.
  4. Practice forgiveness: While forgiveness does not mean excusing or forgetting past wrongs, it can free you from the burden of carrying resentment and anger. Forgiving others, and yourself is a crucial step towards releasing the grip of relationship trauma.
  5. Cultivate self-love: Focus on building a positive relationship with yourself, embracing your strengths, flaws, and worthiness of love and happiness.

Valentine’s Day and Healing: As Valentine’s Day approaches, those healing from relationship trauma may feel a mix of emotions – longing for love, dread of past pain, or perhaps indifference towards the holiday altogether. Regardless of where you fall on this spectrum, remember that Valentine’s Day is just a day. And like any other day, it’s what you make it and can serve as an opportunity for self-reflection, growth, and self-love.

Instead of focusing solely on romantic gestures or external validation, use this time to honor your journey toward healing and self-discovery. Treat yourself with kindness and compassion, celebrate your progress, and surround yourself with supportive loved ones who uplift and affirm your worth.

Although relationship trauma can cast a long shadow over one’s life, affecting relationships and overall well-being, please know that with time, effort, and support, healing is possible. As Valentine’s Day approaches, take this opportunity to prioritize your healing journey, cultivate self-love, and embrace the possibility of healthier, more fulfilling relationships in the future. Remember, you are deserving of love, respect, and happiness, on Valentine’s Day and every day.

Love, Loyalty, and Longevity: 4 Lessons from ‘Queen Charlotte’ on Enduring Love

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If you haven’t yet seen the Netflix series Queen Charlotte: A Bridgerton Story, I highly recommend checking it out before reading this post. I just recently finished watching the captivating drama and was enthralled by the complexities of the characters and the myriad of timely topics addressed. Marriage, friendship, loneliness, responsibility, loyalty, love, family, and mental illness are among some of the issues depicted. As a marriage and family therapist, wife, and mother, I was particularly drawn to the portrayal of enduring love through many of life’s challenges.

In a world dominated by fleeting connections and temporary romances, the concept of long-term relationships can seem like an anomaly. However, this fictional story based on the historical wife of King George III, Queen Charlotte of Mecklenburg-Strelitz, provides a fascinating portrayal of the challenges and joys that can arise from enduring partnerships. Through the lens of this enchanting period drama, we delve into the realities and rewards of long-term relationships and discover why they are truly worth cherishing. Here are four lessons we can learn.

  1. There Will Be Storms: As we immerse ourselves in the vibrant world of “Queen Charlotte,” we witness the tumultuous journey of many different relationships. The show highlights the importance of weathering the storms together, demonstrating that greater wisdom is often on the other side of the storm and lasting partnerships require resilience and support. When Queen Charlotte says to King George, “Hide from the heavens with me,” she is compassionately reminding him of their safe space together as they battle life’s storms.
  2. Vulnerability Creates Intimacy: Perhaps one of the most profound aspects of long-term relationships is the trust and vulnerability that comes with time. “Queen Charlotte” exemplifies this beautifully, as characters gradually unveil their deepest fears, desires, and insecurities to each other. It is through this vulnerability that true intimacy is achieved, fostering a bond that withstands the test of time. When King George reveals his fears to his bride by saying “I’m half a man, half a king…” Queen Charlotte replies “If what we have is half then we shall make it the very best half.”
  3. Shared Memories and Traditions Build Connection: Long-term relationships are often built upon a foundation of shared memories and traditions, providing a sense of continuity and belonging. In “Queen Charlotte,” we see characters cherishing and preserving their history through traditions, celebrations, and shared experiences. These bonds enrich the relationship and create a tapestry of moments that can be revisited and cherished for years to come. As Young Brimsley states, “It is Coronation Day. It does not matter if they speak, they must be united.”
  4. Love Is A Choice: In the words of Queen Charlotte, “Love is not a thing one is able or not able to do based on some magic. Some chemistry. That is for plays. Love is determination. Love is a choice one makes.” In long-term relationships, this choice is made daily. In healthy relationships this choice is born of little and big victories, commitment, kindness, compassion, grace, forgiveness, shared joys, and pain, vulnerabilities exchanged and honored, laughter, and a lifetime of saying yes to the work and rewards of love.

Enduring love, as depicted in “Queen Charlotte,” reveals some of the realities and rewards of lasting partnerships. As we witness the triumphs, setbacks, and unwavering commitment of the characters, we are reminded that love is not always easy but it can be undeniably worth fighting for. By weathering storms, unveiling vulnerabilities, nurturing shared memories and traditions, and choosing love daily, we can build profound and fulfilling connections that stand the test of time. Just as “Queen Charlotte” has captivated audiences with its rich portrayal of relationships, real-life long-term partnerships hold the potential for a love story that transcends time.

 

5 Ways To Grow Together as a Couple

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Springtime often prompts me to reflect on renewal and growth. Watching once-barren trees give life to new leaves and observing flower buds take form and bloom, reminds me of the beauty and necessity of our own growth as human beings. We are all changing and growing in some way whether we acknowledge it or not.  And sometimes this growth affects our long-term relationships. If we aren’t careful it’s easy to grow apart. Just like plants, relationships require care and effort to thrive. In fact, some plants grow well together and are even known to improve each other’s growth. I think couples can learn from this and focus on growing together to create a healthy, strong, and long-lasting loving relationship.

Here are five tips to help promote healthy growth as a couple.

1. Nurture the Soil

The soil is the foundation for any plant to grow. Similarly, the foundation of a healthy relationship is friendship, trust, and respect. To nurture the soil in your relationship, you need to make sure that these elements are present and maintained.

Communication is crucial in any relationship, so make sure you communicate openly and honestly with each other and cultivate your friendship. Trust is also essential, so avoid keeping secrets or hiding things from each other. Respect is equally important, so always treat each other with kindness and consideration.

2. Appreciate Differences

Just as some plants, like tomatoes, for example, grow better when planted next to certain types of plants like basil that protect from harmful pests and provide shade, couples can grow better when they appreciate complementary qualities. For instance, one person might be more outgoing, while the other is more introverted. This balance can help the relationship thrive, as each person brings something unique to the table.

3. Water and Feed

Plants require regular watering and feeding to grow healthy and strong. Similarly, couples need to invest time and effort in their relationship to help it thrive. This includes spending quality time together, being affectionate, and doing things that make each other happy.

4. Prune and Weed

Just like plants need pruning and weeding to remove dead leaves or invasive weeds, couples also need to address any negative habits or behaviors that could be harming the relationship. This might mean setting boundaries or addressing issues that are causing tension. Being open and honest with each other is key here.

5. Adapt to Changes

Most importantly, just as plants need to adapt to changes in their environment, couples also need to be adaptable. Life is full of unexpected changes, and being able to navigate them together can help strengthen the relationship. This might mean adapting to a new job or living situation or simply being flexible with each other’s schedules.

Growing together as a couple is essential for creating a healthy, strong, and long-lasting relationship. By nurturing the soil, appreciating complementary qualities, watering and feeding, pruning and weeding, and adapting to changes, you can help your relationship thrive. Just like plants that grow well together, couples can learn to work together, support each other, and create a healthy environment for their relationship to flourish.

If you are having difficulties in your relationship and would like some help, please give my office a call to schedule a free phone consultation.

Top 3 Myths About Marriage

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Marriage is one of the most significant and life-changing milestones in a person’s life. However, it’s also one of the most misunderstood institutions in the world. Over the years, many myths have emerged about marriage that have shaped people’s perceptions of the institution. In this post, we’ll explore the top three myths about marriage.

Myth #1: Marriage is Easy

One of the most pervasive myths about marriage is that it’s easy or “should” be easy. Many people believe that once they find the right person, they’ll live happily ever after. However, the truth is that marriage takes work. It requires effort, compromise, and sacrifice from both partners.

Marriage is not just about finding the right person; it’s about building a life together. It involves creating a strong foundation of trust, respect, and communication that will allow the relationship to thrive. This requires ongoing effort and dedication from both partners.

Unfortunately, the myth that marriage is easy can lead to unrealistic expectations and disappointment. Many couples give up on their marriage when they encounter challenges because they believe that if it’s meant to be, it will be easy. In reality, every relationship has its ups and downs, and it’s the couples who are willing and able to put in the work that will succeed.

Myth #2: Marriage Will Solve All Your Problems

Another common myth about marriage is that it will solve all your problems. Many people believe that once they get married, all their problems will disappear. They’ll have someone to share their life with, and everything will be perfect.

However, the truth is that marriage will not solve all your problems. In fact, it can create new ones. When two people come together in marriage, they bring their individual strengths and weaknesses. While these differences can complement each other, they can also cause conflict.

Marriage is not a magic solution to life’s problems. It requires couples to work together to overcome challenges and find solutions. This means that couples must be willing to face their problems head-on and work together to find solutions.

Myth #3: Marriage Will Complete Me

The third myth about marriage is that it will complete me. Many people believe that finding the right person will make them whole and complete. However, the truth is that no one can complete you but yourself.

Marriage is not about finding someone to fill a void or make you feel complete. It’s about finding a partner who complements you and supports you in your personal growth. Both partners should be able to maintain their individuality while building a life together.

Believing that marriage will complete you can put undue pressure on your partner and the relationship. It can also lead to disappointment and disillusionment when the reality of marriage doesn’t meet your expectations.

Marriage is a complex institution that requires effort, dedication, and cooperation from both partners. There are many myths about marriage that can lead to unrealistic expectations and disappointment. By understanding the realities of marriage and being willing to work together, couples can build strong and healthy relationships that stand the test of time.

5 Fundamentals of Healthy Relationships and Why They’re Challenging

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Maintaining a healthy loving relationship is vital for personal well-being, happiness, and fulfillment. It requires effort, patience, understanding, and consistent work. Many of us already know about some of the key elements that can help in maintaining a healthy relationship. Things like good communication, compromise, trust, forgiveness, and being true to yourself and your values all play pivotal roles. However, there’s often more to it and even these 5 fundamental elements can be challenging to put into practice at times. Here are some reasons why.

Good communication takes certain skills that not everyone has learned to practice effectively. It’s not just about using words and it’s not always easy. It requires honesty and being able to express your thoughts, feelings, and needs in a clear and respectful manner. It also means being able to listen actively to your partner and trying to understand their perspective. All of this can get very complicated when emotions, past history, resentments, and trauma come flooding in.

Compromise is another element that’s often discussed when trying to maintain a healthy relationship. And while being able to find a middle ground and make mutual decisions that benefit both partners sounds reasonable and good on paper, it often poses difficulties. The very definition of compromise is a mutual “concession” or accepting standards that are “lower than desired.” And who wants that? No one wants to lose or feel like something important is taken from them. If we feel that the scales are unbalanced and over time one partner is compromising more or more often, this can build resentment and lead to contempt which is a relationship killer. Learning how to cooperate and re-frame unhelpful narratives to more of a “win/win,” requires patience and maturity that only happens with practice over time.

Trust is crucial for any healthy relationship, but what happens when trust has been broken or if past history has made it feel unsafe to trust or even feel comfortable knowing how to trust? It takes time to build trust and it requires consistency, honesty, and transparency. It also takes self-work to help heal past traumas, set healthy boundaries as well as keep promises, and be reliable, dependable, and worthy of trust.

Forgiveness is also an important aspect of a healthy relationship. It’s normal to make mistakes and experience hurt and misunderstandings, but it’s essential to be able to forgive and give each other a chance for restoration. Forgiveness is not about forgetting, but it’s about granting grace, moving forward, and learning from past mistakes. It is also a learned process that involves knowing how to ask for, grant, and accept forgiveness in a healing way that is not superficial but really genuine.

Being true to yourself and your values is another important component in maintaining a healthy relationship. It’s important to maintain your individuality and to be true to yourself and what you believe. This means not hiding your authentic self for the sake of the relationship. This might be challenging if you are not sure of who you are or what you value or if you don’t feel accepted for your authentic self. It can also contribute to emotional turmoil if you tend to be a people pleaser, have an anxious or avoidant attachment style, and/or fear being alone more than betraying yourself.

So you can see some of the reasons why maintaining a healthy relationship takes continuous effort and requires more than just patience, understanding, and a willingness to work on the relationship. Communication, cooperation, trust, forgiveness, and being true to yourself are all important elements that can help you create a strong, lasting relationship. However, each of these elements can be difficult to practice effectively without some help or guidance. As a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist I help couples and individuals improve the quality of their relationships. In my book Blockbuster Love: Lessons from the Movies on How to Create Lasting Love, I use movies to help discuss and depict ways to practice these elements more effectively. I’ve also created a workbook, which provides activities and reflection questions to aid in creating the love you desire. It’s free for a limited time by simply clicking here and signing up to be on my mailing list. If you are experiencing distress in your relationship and would like to speak with a therapist, please call 818-806-9170 to schedule a free 10-minute phone consultation.

Remember, relationships take work, and it’s important to be patient, understanding, and compassionate with yourself and each other. Always strive to learn from each other and make a constant effort to improve your relationship. You’re worth it!

Facing Regrets

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Lessons About Fear, Poor Communication and Missed Opportunities

Last night, my husband and I went to see the movie The Photograph. If you haven’t seen it yet, you might want to check it out before reading this post, but I will try to avoid major spoilers. Although I mistakenly went into this movie expecting more of a romantic comedy, I was not disappointed with the overall story and performances in this romantic drama. I not only greatly appreciated the representation of Black love on the big screen, but I also enjoyed the thematic elements used to illustrate this budding love story.

In the movie, Issa Rae’s character (Mae) receives a letter from her recently deceased mother and is processing her loss and the history of their complex mother-daughter relationship. As Mae struggles to understand her mother as a famous photographer and a woman she really didn’t know, she meets Michael, played by Lakeith Stanfield. Michael is getting over a recent break-up and is a reporter that happens to be investigating a story in Louisiana, which is Mae’s mother’s hometown. In his pursuit of information for his story, he interviews longtime resident, Isaac, played by Rob Morgan. Isaac reveals to Michael his own sense of regret and shows Michael the photograph of his lost love, Christiana (Mae’s mother), played by Chanté Adams. The intertwining of these two love stories is poignant and reveals heartfelt truths about the impact of fear, lack of communication and missed opportunities in romantic relationships.

As human beings we all experience fear at different times and to varying degrees. Fear is our body’s natural response to perceived danger. In relationships, the perceived threat of emotional pain that may come from rejection and loss of connection can be enough to disrupt and interfere with any chance of lasting love. In the film Isaac feared change, Christiana feared stagnation, Mae feared becoming her mother and not knowing how to love, and Michael feared making mistakes and not knowing what to say. The way we navigate our fears is directly tied to our sense of peace and wellbeing. Just as the characters in the film, we all make choices.  In doing so, it’s important that we wisely evaluate risks and benefits in light of what is true about who we are and who we are becoming. Fear is not all bad. It can provide valuable information for us. However, it is important to see it for what is and not allow ourselves to be solely ruled by it.

Poor communication is also the culprit of many mishaps and regrets. Sometimes what’s not said is just as problematic as what is said. This fact shows up many times throughout the movie. In an effort not to spoil the plot I won’t get into details. However, it’s safe to say that all the characters suffered from not practicing honest and clear communication. Reasons for this can also be tied to fear, insecurity and lack of awareness. The good news is communication skills can be learned and do not have to be the downfall of a relationship. Again, open and honest communication can provide information and an opportunity for us to make informed choices and experience growth and maturity.

Lamenting missed opportunities can be a source of great emotional pain. Michael ends up writing an article entitled Loss, and that is exactly the feeling that is often described in response to perceived missed opportunities. We grieve the loss of what we think might have been. We tell ourselves a story of greener grass on the other side and regret our choices and decisions. Beating ourselves up over the past is not helpful, but learning from it and moving on with wisdom is the best we can do. It’s important to recognize that no one is perfect. And on our human journey, we are all trying to do the best with the information, resources and set of experiences we have at the given time. This recognition not only helps reduce some of our fears and improve our communication with others, but it also allows for self-compassion and compassion toward others that results in a greater sense of peace and harmony in our relationships and our world.

If you are experiencing distress in your relationships and would like to speak with a therapist please call 818-806-9170 to schedule a free 10-minute phone consultation.

To purchase a copy of Lisa Locke’s book Blockbuster Love – Part1: Romance: Lessons from the Movies on How to Create Lasting Love, click here. If you would like to be on the waiting list for the upcoming book Blockbuster Love – Part2: Reality: Lessons from the Movies on How to Create Lasting Love, like the Blockbuster Love Facebook page or view my website at LisaLockeMFT.com

Before you get married, love, marriage

7 Things You Should Know Before You Get Married

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We often put SO much focus on the wedding day that we rarely consider what’s coming later in the marriage itself. The marriage is what it’s about! So before you jump in, or get carried away with dresses and honeymoons, read over these 7 marriage essentials.

  • Marriage is risky business – It is often said that with great risk there is great reward. But sometimes, especially if you are not prepared, things can go sideways and upside down quickly. That’s just a fact. This doesn’t mean that you should be paralyzed by fear, but it does mean that you need to realize that there are no guarantees. And you might consider investing in pre-marital counseling to help identify and prepare for possible risks while strengthening your loving bond and commitment.
  • Marriage is work – Not only does it take work, but the union of two imperfect and evolving people is a work in progress. It doesn’t come easy. But it does not have to be burdensome. Like any great work of art, the work of marriage can be a creative and exciting transfer of energy that ignites growth and improves the quality of your life. You will have to put effort into it to make it happen, a whole lot more than you might imagine.
  • Marriage is not a fairy tale – There is no mythical happily ever after. Yes there can be great moments of happiness and a deep feeling of contentment, but the story does not end there. Unlike fairy tales, marriage is a continuous journey of ups and downs and everything in between.
  • Marriage is the joining of two individuals – Losing yourself is not a requirement for marriage. In fact it’s about valuing yourself enough to show up authentically in a loving and respectful way that fosters love, acceptance and growth. It’s about staying true to who you are while being part of something bigger than yourself.
  • Marriage involves more than just two people – There are the in-laws, the friends, the kids, the boss. All these relationships have an impact on you and will also have an impact in your married life. In marriage you get it all.
  • Marriage is an adventure – You’re creating as story together! One that will constantly be changing and evolving. It’s OK to make edits along the way. You may need to learn some new skills to fully embrace and enjoy this adventure of a lifetime.
  • Marriage can be very rewarding – There’s almost nothing better than sharing your life with someone. There’s a reason that so many people do it! Be ready for the good stuff, because if you are open, realistic, willing to work and to give of yourself, the rewards are immense!
Abusive relationships, power and control, domestic violence

Healthy Relationships Are Never Abusive

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Leslie’s Story

I was reminded of Leslie’s story and the horrifying statistics about violence against women as I listened to the recent heartbreaking news report of a special education teacher that was fatally shot, while in her classroom, by her estranged husband. A sad truth is that many stories like these go untold, unnoticed and are repeated day after day. It could happen to any of us ­­– your sister, your mother, your daughter, a friend or you. Some men are victims too. Here’s one woman’s story that did not make the news.

It was a cold day in the city. So 30 year old Leslie* borrowed her mother’s heavy coat as she headed out to work. She ventured out in confidence, believing her estranged husband was behind bars for disturbing the peace and making verbal threats against her life a few nights before. Little did she know that her abuser had gotten out on bail and decided to discreetly follow and violently confront her with a deadly weapon.

Sadly, Leslie’s story is not uncommon. Every 9 seconds in the US a woman is assaulted or beaten. Around the world, at least one in every three women has been beaten, coerced into sex or otherwise abused during her lifetime. Most often, the abuser is a member of her own family. Domestic violence is the leading cause of injury to women—more than car accidents, muggings, and rapes combined.[i]

Many times these cases involve red flag issues surrounding power and control that can destroy even non-violent relationships. What’s interesting is that frequently the actions that result from this power and control dynamic are not caused by a sense of over-importance, but are instead driven by fear, vulnerability and incompleteness. We all want to feel loved and desired in a deep, instinctual way. But when some people don’t think they have access to those emotions and make destructive choices based on their uncontrolled emotions that may have been influenced by poor role models or past trauma, then they might lash out and create a dangerously controlling and negative environment.

This was Leslie’s story. She had been married for 4 years too long and had attempted to run away from her abuser several times during their tumultuous relationship. Each time she ran away she was followed and out of fear, lured back into the cycle of violence. She thought this time was different because she ran far away to another city and had the courage to tell her story to family and the police. But as often is the case, things got worse before they got better. Her abuser was not derailed by distance and attacked her with a knife at a train station. Her coat was soaked with blood, her vision impaired and she was left with permanent scars. Thankfully she found help and is now free of the abuse and lived to tell her story. But not everyone survives.

Power and control are serious issues in a relationship, and can severely escalate down the line. If your partner is showing any of the signs of power and control in the cycle of violence, then it’s time to seek help immediately. In Chapter 3 of my book Blockbuster Love – Lessons from the Movies on How to Create Lasting Love: Part 1 Romance, I discuss the lesson that love is not obsession. “Sometimes…people mistake intense infatuation for being deeply and ‘crazy in love.’ Often these impulsive feelings are used as justification for the strength of their love when in fact it may suggest more of the intensity of their loneliness or fear of being alone. This can also lead to obsession.” It can also lead to desires to control another person and actions that support those desires.

Here are some warning signs to look out for:

  • Coercion and threats
  • Isolation
  • Emotional abuse
  • Verbal abuse
  • Deny, blame and minimizing
  • Punishing behaviors
  • Economic abuse
  • Intimidation
  • Shame, guilt and/or fear

Healthy relationships are never abusive. If you’re concerned about yourself or someone that you know being in an abusive relationship, seek help now! Call 911 or you can call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 or visit their website at http://www.thehotline.org/ for more information. Your life is valuable. Don’t be afraid or ashamed to ask for help.

*Name and identifying details have been changed to protect the privacy of the individual.

[i] http://domesticviolencestatistics.org/domestic-violence-statistics/

 

Myths about love, Love, Relationships

Living In La La Land & Other Myths About Love

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Still in my pajamas from the night before, I sat tearfully disillusioned on my therapist’s couch. I had no energy to dress myself that day but somehow mustered just enough strength and courage to drive myself across town to seek answers, gain clarity and figure out the pieces of my life. As I stared out the floor-to-ceiling window of the office, I could see the Hollywood Hills in the distance. “What are you thinking right now,” my therapist asked.  I replied, “I’m thinking I don’t want to live in La La Land anymore.”

That was over 10 years ago, but I remember making that statement with two meanings in mind. On one hand, I was thinking I’m tired of living in a town that seems to glorify the fake, make empty promises that build your hopes then discards you like a used tissue. On the other hand, I was also thinking I’m tired of being lied to and closing my ears to the truth. You see at that time in my life I was struggling to make sense of life’s disappointments. I was questioning love and my husband’s Hollywood “deferred” dreams that were contributing to stress in our marriage. For me, moving to Hollywood was all about supporting my husband’s screenwriting career. And in the process, I began to have some Hollywood dreams of my own. After a lot of rejection and delays, I began to feel a bit like Mia in the movie La La Land when she said “Maybe I’m not good enough! Maybe it’s like a pipe dream.”

Several years ago my husband wrote a book entitled What I Wish I Knew before I Moved to Hollywood. In it he chronicled his journey in the City of Stars. When I saw the movie La La Land I immediately connected to the story and reflected on our own journey and the things I’ve learned about love and relationships along the way.

Spoiler Alert – if you haven’t yet seen the movie La La Land and plan to see it, you might want to watch it before reading further.

For those of you who have already seen this award winning film, you know that it artfully depicts a love story between jazz musician, Sebastian (Ryan Gosling) and rising actress Mia (Emma Stone). What you might not realize is that this movie also dispels some myths about romantic relationships and love. Here are five:

Myth #1

  • When you’re in love you’ll never be lonely again – In the film Mia and Sebastian each experience times of loneliness when the other is off pursuing their career. The truth is you can feel very lonely even when you are in the company of others. Loneliness is not about being in or out of love. Everyone feels lonely at times. But chronic loneliness is about social and emotional pain that has the potential to spur personal growth or contribute to depression.

Myth #2

  • My partner should always make me happy – If you are waiting for someone to make you happy, you’ll never be. Mia and Sebastian both pursued their individual interests that contributed to some shared joyful moments. The truth is there will be good and bad days but general happiness is more dependent on your own thoughts and actions and is within your personal control.

 Myth #3

  • We will always like the same things – I love the scene in the movie where Mia tells Sabastian she doesn’t like jazz. As important as jazz is to this musician, this difference in musical taste does not stop their love connection. They disagree about many things including the name of Sebastian’s club. Differences can add spice to relationships while contributing to positive growth. In the end Mia came to appreciate jazz and Sebastian finally agreed with Mia about the name of his club. In reality it’s great to have things in common but people change and just because you don’t like the same things doesn’t mean the relationship is doomed.

Myth #4

  • Love is an uncontrollable & irrational feeling – This is a common myth that has its roots in infatuation. The truth is love is a choice. In the movie the couple choose to be together and in the end even though they choose to part ways, Mia says “I’m always gonna love you.” And Sebastian replies “I’m always gonna love you too. It’s important to realize we each have the power to choose love over hate.

Myth #5

  • Love should be easy – Many people believe that if love is not easy it’s not real. However, common life experiences show us that love can be messy, imperfect, satisfying, and very real. In fact this film does a great job of depicting just a peek at how beautifully imperfect love can sometimes be. From Sabastian missing Mia’s important play to arguments about career decisions, personal disappointments and mishaps -through all the conflict and miscommunication, love survives. It even survives their eventual break up and continues into Mia’s new roles as wife and mother. What Sebastian says about jazz is also true of love –it involves “conflict and compromise and it’s very, very exciting.”

Ultimately, I chose to stay in Southern California and work on myself and our marriage. I learned that it’s ok to take risks and it’s even ok to fail. I grew to understand that disappointments are opportunities for growth.  And I learned that being good enough is not measured in the eyes of others but in how I view and value myself. I realized that I am strong enough to handle the truth and I can let go of fear. Also more important than where I live is how I live, especially how I live with myself. I’ve learned many invaluable lessons, changed careers and experienced joy I wouldn’t trade for anything. Like the final scene in La La Land so beautifully illustrates, life is about making choices that are often bittersweet and although love stories are not always perfect -as Seb’s final knowing smile indicates – It’s always worth it.